I’ve struggled with depression for a long time.
I’ve squashed it by being outgoing and super personable all while feeling…. nothing.
No one seemed to know quite what that felt about until today.
When I read Hyperbole and a Half‘s latest blog post I finally felt like someone understood.
Depression isn’t sadness. It’s a black hole that sucks away all feeling.
And it’s compounded by the fact that your friends just don’t understand the ’cause’ of it or why you can’t ‘snap out of it’.
I fucking tried,
It didn’t work.
At best I could do was camouflage my (lack of) emotions so as to seem carefree and fun. But I was mostly just hoping I could stop caring about the few things left in my life that kept me alive.
Basically, Lily, my dog.
I remember once breaking down sobbing to my (then) roommate wondering what would happen to Lily if I died. I was relieved to know that he would take her, but I still couldn’t be comfortable knowing she’d be without me. And I knew she needed me.
My friends/family were also a consideration though somehow not as much.
I understood that my death would hurt them, I mostly couldn’t care about that though.
Luckily I realized that the place I was in was unhealthy and didn’t have to be permanent. So I got help and I’m not (mostly) feeling better.
But I was happy to finally see that someone understood what I’d gone through for so long.
So thank you Allie!